Football Stars With Mystic Megson

Who needs to be playing football to make the headlines? Hanging round with a gormless bint works for most footballers, but it hasn't worked for you. But don't worry, there's plenty more WAGS in the sea, usually in Benidorm or Magaluf. Why not try Lampard's ex? Or seduce one of the nurses helping you with your hurty toe? With your looks and money, but mostly your money, love is never far away.

It's nat gaan reet f'yus the noo, leek eh. Yon new moon's seen yus slippin' doon the table like a high speed screeve on a patch of icy clart. But divvent fret. Mystic Megson reckons you spawney gets'll just aboot survive, even though yus have as much talent as a Cleator Moor beauty contest. *

You might find yourself in the firing line this month, but remember, you can't polish a turd. Some clubs are doomed to failure no matter how much money they spend so why not relax, have fun and continue the spending spree? Retail therapy's a great way to let off steam and maintain ambitions of grandeur. But be warned, all that glitters is not gold....what the hell, buy it anyway, it can't be any worse than what you've got.

For all their skill and flair, your players just don't seem to want to play in the Champions League next season. Perhaps it's because they feel they haven't seen enough of Britain yet. Why not treat them to a spell in the UEFA cup where they can visit some of the jewels of our great island. A year spent visiting the delights of Rhyl and Aberdeen will soon have them banging in the goals and desperate for another crack at the big time.

Treating your women like your football will make you world player of the year off the pitch as well as on it. Remember, quality AND quantity are important and bagging five birds is just as much fun as bagging five goals. Dribbling around the box, shooting from distance and launching screamers are what you're good at, so try doing it on the pitch as well.

Hanging round with Alan Green is turning you into a bit of a moaning minnie. Try finding new friends and looking on the positive side a bit more often. Bullied? So you should be with that voice. How you get away with sounding camper than a row of tents at Mardi Gras is beyond me but fair play to you, you somehow pull it off. Just as long as that's all you're pulling off.

Mercury is strong in your chart this month, but it's weak on the thermometer which makes for a sulky samba. But don't let your creativity and ideas go to waste. If you can't use them on the pitch, use them in the travel agents. It must be time for another trip home by now.

It's never easy being a Scouser but now, times are harder than ever. You've thrown away the league, your manager's lost the plot and, well, you live in Liverpool. But there is light at the end of the Mersey tunnel. Mystic Megson believes that in a few new moons, August will see you level on points with Man United once more. Only six months to go.