Dear Wayne - Everyone's Favourite Agony Aunt

DEAR WAYNE AS PART of a recent training exercise I asked the lads to all pull together. The result wasn't quite what I was expecting and could only be described as homoerotic. Now they're threatening to put a video of it on Youtube. What should I do?

WAYNE SAYS THIS is a common problem amongst footballers who tend to do these kinds of things together. I remember Fergie once asked us to 'express ourselves' and it left a terrible mess on the dressing room floor. There's nothing you can do to stop them putting it on Youtube, but you can prevent these things happening in the future. Avoid similar phrases such as 'to a man', 'big lads' and 'penetrating balls' and you should be alright.

DEAR WAYNE I'M ALWAYS asking the lads to give 110%. Is that mathematically possible?

WAYNE SAYS NO. The players can't mathematically give more than 100%. Ask them to put in an honest days' work or give it their all, that should do the trick.

DEAR WAYNE RECENTLY I bought a football club because it seemed like a laugh, but now it's all going pear-shaped and I don't know what to do. I'm an extremely wealthy man with a fortune made in blood money and arms dealing. When I saw the chance to buy a Premiership club my friends all told me it would be folly. But I trusted in the manager I brought in and honestly believed we could make things work. Now he's revealed himself to be a hopeless waste of time but that doesn't stop him spending my money! I feel trapped, what should I do?

WAYNE SAYS HMMMM. It's a tricky one. If you walk away you'll leave the club right up the creek with crippling debts and a wage bill that they can't maintain. But sacking the manager can often do more harm than good. Why not take him back to your home country and show him what they do to betrayers and vagabonds? That'll give him a right good kick up the arse and should bring the results your filthy money deserves.

DEAR WAYNE I'M USUALLY a very sensible WAG, but when I had a few too many Babyshams at last year's Christmas party, I found myself in an attacking formation with the entire back four! Now I'm pregnant and I don't know whose it is. Should I get drunk and flash my knickers?

WAYNE SAYS GETTING drunk will only be a short term fix and might harm the baby. You're better off making them all think its theirs then screwing them for every penny they've got. Then when the baby's born, sell the story of your heartbreak to a glossy and watch the money roll in. You might not find out who the father is, but you'll have enough cash to get that stiletto-shaped swimming pool you've always wanted.

DEAR WAYNE I'M A top manager with over 3 years' experience at 17 different clubs, but every job I get seems to be over in seconds. It's the same old story every time. I meet the chairman and he woos me with his hopes and dreams for what we'll achieve together. But once he's seen me in action he loses interest and dumps me for a younger, exotic manager. Am I doing something wrong?

WAYNE SAYS IT'S NEVER easy being a manager these days, especially when there are so many rich chairmen to lead you astray. Try to be more picky when accepting a job. Unfortunately, as we all know, chairmen are only interested in one thing, and it's not your coaching badges. Try to show him that you need long term commitment and complete control over transfers. If he can't respect that, then he doesn't respect you and you're better off out of there.

HELPLINES